Friday, 27 September 2013

Mental Abuse

There are many forms of abuse that a human can do to another.
The easiest to identify is the physical abuse, where you are harmed physically and the physical evidence is there to prove it.
The hardest to identify and is most apparent in social situations, (friends, work colleagues, families, extended families) is the mental abuse.
Sometimes they go hand in hand, but sometimes, it's so elusive that the mental abuse goes unnoticed for the rest of a person's life.

Ir. Dr. Pam Hoat Joen PhD.
That name is the proof of my mental abuse for me and my family.
An elaborate title and a long time brilliantly shining career in civil engineering proves nothing to anyone of what a person is or her capability in "changing" other people's lives for the worst.
She is the cog that made the rusty extended family wheel turn.
She once told me that her awards and prestige will exceed the length of her name (plus titles put together).  The engineering field will praise her for being one of the few Asian women of Chinese descent.
To me, those things she praises so religiously, her brilliant mind and her achievements, means nothing, because we know the putridity of her soul nullified them out long ago.

Devoid of any remorse for what she has done to us, once again, her hailed "mind game" seeped under my family's skin.

An account of my dear brother:

               -----Encounter with the Revered Academic Ir. Dr. Pam Hoat Joen PhD.------

Five minutes ago we were talking about the possibility of me, visiting her in Hong Kong, travelling and asking her for general advice.  It was with the outmost respect for the situation and for her that I brought the issue at all.  The moment I changed the subject, her demeanor changed from a wise old sage to a feral grey wolf protecting her den.
I was not ready for this.  So I surrendered.  Like an injured doe, exposing its belly to the wolf, I conceded, yet she pressed on sinking her teeth in the form of reassuring words.
In her own words:
"Are these your words or are these the words that are placed by someone else (my parents and sisters) close to you?"
"I truly empathise your position.  It must be truly hard for you to live with that kind of mental pressure, coming from your family.  You know that I am your aunty and anytime you need to ask for advice, or rational talk with another human being, call me."

Be aware that these are the words of a person with 30 years long of a shining career.  One who was hailed as the extended family's success story.  Her ability in many languages and her proven years of research in beams and seismic loadings of earth excavation civil engineering, university publication, made her that all hail saint that she claims to be for the extended family.

She's an idealist when it comes to describing her own hopes and dreams, but a crushing realist when mentoring her closest relatives.
This high horse that she has set herself upon, is the driving force behind her motivation in making a name for herself, on this earth, regardless of collateral damage to those closest to her.
A person of her demeanor will fail to identify the true nature of the people around her.  She and others like her will fail to find any meaningful relationships, placing her trust in the exact reflection of herself in others.

Such words were so welcoming, so soothing, so motherly, after she deemed my family mentally unstable.

I grew up in a family environment where praises were so rare, like rain in the desert.  To hear her acknowledging me as a sane functional human being was her ticket to winning my compliance for the night.

I came home convinced that I was surrounded by people, closest family who wished only to use me, and my status as a male, for their own personal gain.
A level of paranoia that can only be compared to post-traumatic stress disorder stricken war veterans returning from act of duty.

Nobody can see that this revered academic is just a wounded child that covers every little scar with an overblown ego and a hard exterior, embellished with superfluous language.
This revered academic is actually just a scared little girl who grew up without the love from her own parents.  Then one day her closest older brother got married, and with that, she got jealous.  Especially when her mother passed away right after his marriage.
This revered academic blamed it on the marriage and never acknowledged the sister in law, not even once.
For to this revered academic, this woman who married her dear brother is of a low caste, uncouth because of her low education, and not deserving of humanity.
This revered academic kicked us out from our rightful house when I was just 11, my sister 9, and my mom pregnant with my brother.
This revered academic volunteered in Red Cross, but knows nothing of compassion or humanity.

The tyranny of her dominant left brain made her believe that we are really separated as human beings.  That my experiences are cut and clean from hers.  Nothing is interconnected if they're not financial or blood ties.
How comfortable it is for her to reside in that reality where all hail her titles and achievements, which escalate the level of ego once more, hence the dangerous cycle continues.

This experience I picked for my family has been learned, and signed done deal.  So many things of the old earth are still here, rotting away.  Forgetting, that they too, need to remember that we all came from the same source, and are here to learn.

Today, my extended families are not blood families.  These are the people I have met on my spiritual path.  Different races, different colours.  Not of status, not of achievements.  Broken people, from broken families.  They are all souls experiencing this earthly life.
The ones that came as blood families have been sent off on a cloud, away, far, far, away, no more karma with them, and the contracts have been fulfilled.


  1. hello, i have once made a comment to your articles about half years ago, something about my poor marriage.

    i have not read thoroughly your article above and there are so many words i do not know. my english is not good enough.

    i would only want to share is that the woman you stated above may be a Professor in the University of Hong Kong, Department of Civil Engineering.

    If yes, she was my tutor for my final year projects for my first degree in Year 2000, about high strength concrete. She was also my mentor in my studying. i learned so much from her. I have not seen her for about 10 years and so she must not remember my name. but i am sure she can recognize me face to face. Now I am a Civil Engineering in Hong Kong as well.

    1. Dear Michael,
      Thank you for reading, I appreciate it very much.
      Yes I do remember your comment on one of my post, I do wonder sometimes how your marriage is. I hope everything works out for the best.

      That's good that you learn so much from her on Civil Engineering from her, it is her teaching field isn't it? He he he.

      I'm happy to know you're still in Civil Engineering. If it is what you're passionate about, stick with it.

      My writing is my journey, personal to me. For you to have read it and felt connected with it, I'm already so honoured and touched.
      Maybe this is being connected through here for a reason, only known to you personally.
      I'm happy that this connection was made and I feel truly blessed to have your comments.

      Thank you Michael :)

      Much love to you always.

    2. Thank you.

      I just came back to Hong Kong from Melbourne, putting a pause of busy life and try to figure out what is my next step in my life.

      I lived in a budget hotel, with 4 strangers in a room. May be it was gods willing, one was a divorced woman from NZ, one Italian who teach yoga and meditation, and one young German. We shared life experience every night and got aspiration from each other.

      As aspired by the Italian, i just want to share, for my situation, is try to forgive myself of any deficiencies on the relationship, then forgive what she did, and finally forget the past. This is the only way to find happiness in life. I will try despite it is very difficult to do so in reality

    3. Nothing is a coincidence.
      Everything happens for a specific learning.
      Marriages are a good arenas to learn together.
      I hope you had an inspiring pause in Melbourne. It is a very creative city and I love it.

  2. i have read your article. am sorry that my sharing with you are not appropriate. i should understand the whole page before i share my past. i apologize for that. i will not speak out anything about this page

    i really do not have an offence on you. i just wonder if the world is quite small.

    1. Dear dear Michael,

      Yes, the world is only a speck of dust in the vast galaxies.
      It is completely OK with me to share, don't worry about it.

      If you want to speak to anyone, spread the word, it is OK, too. :)

  3. My dad felt the need to be the smartest person in the room and didn't like it when it when others knew things he didn't. I remember helping him install something when I was was taking him a long time because he didn't see the answer to a problem. After waiting for him to see it, I made a suggestion on what to do next. He gave me a dirty look and said, "Do you think that YOU can tell ME anything?" He was mad. But I was right. An hour later he did what I had suggested. Ironically, he was right too--I couldn't tell him anything (because he wouldn't listen).

    1. Thank you for reading my story.
      Thank you for sharing yours.